Welcome to the Microsoft® Windows95® operating system. With Windows95, all the things you do now will be easier and faster, and what you've always wanted to do is now possible.

-- Verbatim quote from Windows95 manual
Alas, what J looks like is really none of your business :-( Well, there's this girl I'm really sweet on, see? For the sake of this, let's call her J. I read the Windows95 hype with considerable interest, and on the strength of the above, bought a copy. Then, I called up J, anticipating my great triumph with glee.

Here's the conversation:

"Ah J! I have you now," I told her.

"Oooh baby ... maybe you do," she responded mischeviously. "Why's that?"

"Well, you see, J, I just bought Windows95, and it says that what I've always wanted to do is now possible. And what I've wanted to do for a long time is to make wild passionate love to you, J!"

I am sorry to say that J was not entirely impressed. To tell the truth, I think she was hinting about a diamond ring or something, and the fact that the Windows95 CD was kinda shiny on one side didn't seem to affect her much.
I was disappointed, bloodied but not unbowed. Perhaps Windows95 just needed time to work its magic on the minds of its users. So about a week later, I went up to my boss.

"Hey, Alon!" I said. "It's time for you to buy me that $ 750,000 SGI Power ONYX with the 12 processors, so we can start developing on that platform instead of Windows®!"

"Huh?" said the Big Boss. "How did that happen?"

"Well, Alon, you see, it says right here that, because we have Windows95®, everything we've always wanted to do is now possible! And what I want is to develop on SGI® instead of Windows!®"

For some strange reason, that argument didn't seem to much affect Alon. I'm not sure why, to be honest, but it just plumb didn't work.

Based on these and thousands of other experiences like them across the country, I can tell you that the Windows95® upgrade is a total frost, an absolute flop. It definitely does not live up to the hype, or I'd have the gorgeous J wiggling in my lap and a brand new SGI on my desk.

You know, I may have said harsh, mean things about Microsoft in the past, but if Microsoft just could have gotten me J and that SGI, I would have forgiven the company everything.

So what went wrong, Bill?

www.windows95.com Anyone who needs help with Windows95 networking should check out this site, particularly since I shamelessly ripped off the background from them, and don't want them to get too upset at me. :-) All kidding aside, if you really need to use Windows95 networking for some ungodly reason, the information here will save you hours of pain and suffering. I don't endorse any Windows® product, but I enthusiastically endorse this site.

Just in case you care, this page has been accessed times since its creation on 8:09pm 24 October 1995.

The SGI Onyx image was shamelessly ripped off from Silicon Graphics' Silicon Surf site, by implict permission. (They allow use of their images for personal use only, and I daresay this qualifies). If you like the machine, you should follow the link to their site. Every home user should have at least one Onyx!

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