Auditing a.r.s.

Time to stop and smell the neuroses.

WOODY & VERA

I would like to indicate that our noodle is floating. Woody finally got some help -- Woody clones Rick, Robert, Blinkin' 'n Nod -- and about time, too. Now he is trying to audit a.r.s. using the cyberspace equivalent of tone 40, the glare, bongos and a beret.

Well, now you all know how those federal judges felt. Comes now Woody and the Markabs with a cacophony of motions, requests for discovery, pleas of immunity and claims of discrimination -- each one more bizarre than its predecessor. Like the paperstorm that engulfs the courthouse when Scientology is on the docket, all of Woody's pleadings have to be addressed, argued and denied. Done a few myself. Since they're all done in Markabian pentameter, it's a time- consuming process.

And have you noticed? Woody has effectively ratholed any chance of substantive discussion on the newsgroup while the pack goes haring off to Sherwood forest. Which, of course, is the idea.

I don't know that it matters. This newsgroup is not turning out to be near as much fun as I thought. EEF gets all the money. Tarla gets to drive the bus (no dogs allowed). Erlich gets all the girls.

Though, if CoS don't grant Woody some R&R and a goupie pretty soon, they will convince me, at least, that they *are* a villainous, scumbag-sucking, congregation of unscrupulous cultie fuckheads. Even since they got him research assistants, he's been bustin' ass, and he's gettin' a little twitchy.

Who ain't? Erlich courts 'n sparks right in front of the whole seminar. Makes me wish there was a Moderator for a.r.s. "Dennis, if you didn't bring enough females for the whole class..." Witnessing this sort of behavior brings out my basic need to howl. Pluto needs women, and his little dog, too...

'Course, there's always the incredibly venomous Vera. What a gal! Freddy Mercury was right about them fat-bottom girls. Thanks, Vera, for prying my closed mind open on a few subjects. Do I support dead-beat dads? Whodathunkit? I just sent one a check. Do I approve of bomb threats? Didn't used to. Now it depends. Where's Vera?

Naw. Vera ain't *nobody's* sweetheart. And I can't work up any interest in her since I downloaded that GIFF file.

I can't believe *anybody* still thinks Vera is HK, Esq! I thought that I presciently and patiently explained where Vera's coming from in "Demonology 101," (which is still available over in David's Amazing Internet WWW Home Page: http://amazing.cinenet.net/, but evidently some folks either read too fast or don't read at all. It's so obvious!

Vera is Eugene Ingram in drag.

Which doesn't make her any less demonically driven. Normally, I would advise Grady Ward to put a pentagram around his entire domicile, but in this case I think a line of salt will do.

WOODY'S RATHOLE: EXIT HERE

Time to stop dancing to the music of Woody & the Markabs. What are we gonna do with these guys? Pause a moment to consider what's happened so far.

The OT III+ materials and LRH biographical scatologies are everywhere, especially the places they *should* be -- accessible to the very people CoS preys on: the young, college-fringe, naive idealists. What one of these young folks strolling the campuses of the world does not have within his or her circle of friends a computer mavin, a net prowler, an alt.2600 kind of guy? Damn few. It is the ".edu" people who are being impacted most by the revelations of Scientology's scripture, and that is as it should be.

So much the better. I don't think anyone here wants to make it unlawful for some youngster over the age of consent to run off to play space pirates with the CoS -- as long as he or she has been alerted to the dangers. Considering that the admonitions provided through the efforts of the long- time posters on a.r.s. not only include the scriptures of Scientology, but the stories and affidavits of those who have dealt with CoS, I'd say there is fair warning for the neophyte.

Which gets a.r.s. an "atta boy." EEF deserves the money. Dennis deserves the girls. (But do the girls deserve Dennis? Tune in next week.)

Less successful is the attack on CoS itself. There has been collateral damage to civilians -- the Freezoners have been run off a.r.s. by a lot of nyah-nyah. Calling CoS a "cult" is meaningless. All religions use mind-control techniques -- it's simply a matter of intensity and degree. There are many, many respectable (using the term advisedly) religions which discourage parishioners from interaction with out-church family and friends -- some of 'em are even Christian.

Face it. In America, the CoS is a church -- not because it deserves the designation, but because in the USA we don't trust the government to judge which religion is worthy of the name and which is not. The price we pay is that sometimes the shelter we've erected for religion also provides sanctuary for scam-artists and criminals. So be it. IMHO, the constitutional fellowship of saints and hustlers says more about religion than perhaps should be said in polite company. If nothing else, it provides the nation with a constant source of amusement.

Likewise, calling the CoS "criminal" serves no useful purpose. CoS is not "criminal" any more than the Catholic Church is criminal because Alexander VI was Pope. It appears CoS is run by ethics-differently-abled people, some of whom appear to be willing to engage in criminal acts, but that's only because anyone with a shred of decency bailed out of Sea Org long ago.

(It is eerie how the current administration of CoS reflects Hubbard's personality as reported by friends and family -- bullying, whiny, resentful, viewing every criticism as an attack, insecure, blustery, but strangely tender at times with those who are sufficiently servile. CoS even practices LRH's willingness to suck up to showbiz fame. Curious kind of immortality.)

The problem is that a fairly large number of people inside and outside of CoS feel they have benefitted from the "tech" Hubbard came up with. And who's to say they're wrong? Reportedly, some people have profitted from interaction with a computer-program psychiatrist. Chiropracty burgeoned from the most absurd theoretical roots to discover, by trial and error, many effective treatment techniques. The point is that most practitioners of Scientology, members in good standing, apostates and Freezoners alike, have obtained what they will insist are concrete benefits from the tech. A smaller number find Hubbard's explanation of the evolution of the cosmos more compelling than, say, Genesis.

If they do, may I gently suggest to non-CoS a.r.s. denizens that it's none of your business? None of mine either.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE?

Well, what are we gonna do with these Sea Org and OSA guys? Are we restricted to fussing at them on the internet forever? Not necessarily. Me, I favor paroling them in the custody of the Freezoners. Some of 'em anyway. But how to go about it?

As usual, Woody has the right idea the wrong way. I gather he's going to send Sonny Bono copies of henry's messages hoping Bono'll convene a Congressional hearing. Not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. (Just don't let him sing with the Markabs, Woody. I'm older'n you, and I've heard him. Trust me, it's not a sound for the faint of heart. Howling attends it.)

Does anybody have access to a Congressperson who is net literate? If so, you might advise him or her that there is a constituency of 20-40 million netizens who are looking for representation in Washington. And CoS has made itself such an *easy* target -- universally despised on the internet -- much of the legwork has already been done. Furthermore, CoS is a "church" run by whitebread mafioso. No ethnic sensibilities involved. Throw in an endless stream of telegenic witnesses -- either cruelly-used victims of OSA, or dead-agenting, weirdly-smiling, goofus Sea Org people struggling to act as if they're not trying to bullshit the wogs -- and you have media play just short of the OJ trial. On C-Span!

Not to mention the internet, of which said Congressperson will become the darling. (Lawyer syntax -- we can't help it.) Just haul in the ACLU and some interdenominational groups to advise the committee when it's about to step on 1st Amendment toes, and our favored Congressperson has a shot at national office. Hey, it worked for Estes Kevfauver.

Following Congressional hearings, what else but a nice RICO clambake? Conveniently, the Japanese are currently writing a protocol on how to break up a militant, secretive sect whose leadership is engaged in illegal activities. I hope the FBI is taking notes.

I would suggest that the Congressional and the RICO investigations proceed on the assumption that CoS needs to be purged of corrupt officers, rather than destroyed. In other words, CoS should be treated like the Teamsters Union, not the Communist Party USA.

An optimal outcome would allow the CoS to survive long enough to be taken over by the Freezoners. They could decide if CoS should continue or the tech should be set free, if they buy all of Hubbard's ravings or just some, and if they are a church or a medical service or something in between.

CONCLUSIONS:

Agree? No? I'd like some feedback on this. Should the flame war on a.r.s. go on forever? How do you propose we end it?

Well, I've done my part. To summarize:

1. Woody & the Markabs have successfully ratholed the discussion on a.r.s. 2. Cerberus is gonna flounce off to his tent and sulk like Achilles until somebody finds him a girlfriend. 3. Vera's panties ain't as interesting as you might think. 4. a.r.s., fact net, and the WWW pages get kudos for spreading the word. 5. Some a.r.s. posters are lighting their own petards. That used to be the _sine_qua_non_ of a flamer, but hey, times change. 6. Congressional! Congressional! Somebody start a congressional! We'd be soooo grateful, we might even vote for you, you slab-sided, ratbag, tax-sucking, pork-spewing, political dirtball. 7. RICO! RICO! WACO! Do a RICO and we'll forget Waco. We may even throw in a chorus of "The Lady's a lot like Reno." 8. Purge the CoS of corrupt elements just like Congress and the FBI purged the Teamsters. What? What happened to the Teamsters? They are? Still? 9. Freezone! Rah! Let 'em have CoS. Don't know who they are or what they believe, but I really like the name. 10. What kind of conclusions are these? Is this guy nuts, or what?

Cerberus ___________

I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw.

Hamlet, Act II, Scene 2 ************************************************************************** **