Demonology 101

That Woody. What a guy.

Spreading hate on the internet. Isn't that what we all dream of?

For those of you who are confused, Woody (who has obviously boned up on mythology) knows that (technically) it is my JOB to spread hate on the internet and elsewhere.

And out of the goodness of his heart, Woody is trying to upstat my production quota for me, what with me being new to a.r.s. and the net in general. I think that's a damned hospitable thing to do. Shows what friendly people there are here on a.r.s. Glad I dropped in.

The hospitality is deeply appreciated, Woody, but upstatting Cerberus is not necessary. MY quotas are elsewhere, and what with Rwanda 'n Oklahoma 'n Bosnia 'n all, I'm doin' fine. Even if I did need to brown-nose the bean-counters downstairs, spreading hate on the internet looks too much like work. I'll pass.

Technically, I suppose, I AM part of the demonic effort to spread hate worldwide, but I got seniority you wouldn't believe and a real bad temper. None of them Hades newbie, management yups got the balls to come down to the loading dock anyway. My position was grandfathered in when Great Pan died and the new administration came to power. As long as I do my work on the loading dock, I'm guaranteed all the kibble and mailmen I can eat.

Still, I can see why you might think I'd been assigned to assist in the internet hate-fomenting project. There are an ENORMOUS number of demonic entities on-line, and hate is their business. Believe it. Usually, you can pick 'em out by the tone of their messages -- most haven't mastered basic humanity, so they can't concede that the opposition may have any. They come across flat, atonal, fanatic.

And humorless. Humor is the perfect demon-detector -- none of the new breed of demonic entities have anything even remotely resembling a sense of humor. The give-away is when they *try* to be funny. Comes across like the _Pravda_ version of "Doonesbury."

Pay attention to your own reaction (if you happen to be human):

First of all, 't'ain't funny, McGee. The last thing you feel like doing is laughing. You feel a little queasy, slightly revulsed -- like you've just sat through a 4-hour sermon by a pederastic minister. There is no mirth -- only a palpable, oily sneer masking a kind of slavering hatred rising from an even greater fear.

It feels, you know -- demonic. The demons on line sound like.... Well, not to "out" anybody or anything.... They sound like.... Um, I'm not sure I should say this.....

Oh what the hell. Nobody believes this anyway.

They sound like Vera.

But I digress.

So what am I doing on line? Not here to spread hate, believe you me.

Down here, spreading hate gets you a Spark or a Pentium or a 486 (depending on how much hell you're supposed to raise), not to mention a decent modem and a prestige internet address so people will take you seriously.

Me? Ha! Some of these bigwigs decide they need LAN access to the loading dock, so guess what? Yours truly gets a crappy 286, somebody's left-over modem and a free AOL disk. Big whoop.

It's a dog's life, but hey, that's what I signed up for.

Maybe I'm stuck in the old days, but geez... Once upon a time it was a daemon's purpose to get a human to laugh at himself. I figure if I can get even one of these Scientologists truly laughing -- humor constipated as they are -- he'll NEVER be able stop. Nobody ever died of laughing... Not yet, anyway.

Come to think of it, that WOULD up my stats.

Cerberus
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"Hate?  I'm not talking about hate!
I'm talking about eight!  
Dinner at eight!
Let's eat!                                                                
              Pastor Flash
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