The Scientology HillBillies

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Ron, He wrote science fiction till he came up with a con, He did stories for the pulps for a penny for a word, Till he had himself a brainwave while a squeezing out a turd,

Religion that is.. start one yourself.. there's dough in it

Now the first book he wrote it sold rather well, Until the FDA said "Here's a mighty nasty smell", They said "Selling e-meters is not a proper cure" So he did a bunk to England and he thought a little more.

St Hill, that is. Too cold for swimming pools, but the movie stars went along.

Now it wasn't very long till Ron's a billionaire, He loaded up a boat and he sailed away from there, He duped a load of dullards and he swallowed all their cash, And all the while was boozing, dropping pills and smoking hash.

And now it's time to say goodbye to Ron and all his kin, Cause Dennis Erlich's trial is just another they won't win, Miscavige he has bolted and has vanished with the dough, And all the other culties now will finally have to blow...

The Scientology Hillbillies....

Starring

Jack Farmer as Jed ElRon Rick Sherwood as Jethro Vera Wallace as Granny Beth McCoy as ElRonny Mae

Co-starring

Dennis Erlich as Mr. Drysdale Diane Richardson as Miss Hathaway

Episode 5 -- The Sea-ment org

Jed: "Wheee dawgies, Jethro. Catch them little critters and throw them overboard. Whittlin' stats are down, and they ain't caught a single possum."

Jethro: "Aw, Uncle Jed. I wanted to go to the Celebrity Centre with cousin PoodleBoy. He said he's gonna make me a movie star. An' we fool around with the movie stars there. Yesterday we double-dated with Nicole and Kirstie, the day before with Tom and John. Tommorrow we've got a date with Michael and Liza. Gee, I sure hope I don't get Jacko."

Jed: "Little chance of that, Jethro. In this here PC folder, it says Michael don't go in for no big guys like you. He's probably taken a shine to young cousin David. But you can't go anywhere until you do your chores first, Jethro. Now throw those suckers into the see-ment pond."

Jethro: "Sure, Uncle Jed."

*Splash!* *Splash! *Splash!*

Jed: "Whee dawgies, the Delphi School did a grand job with that thar boy. Why, he actually graduated, when other schools couldn't get him past sixth grade. Say, here's Granny. What's for tea, Granny?"

Granny: "Well, it's beans and rice, as usual Jed. Things are kinda tight around here. We can't afford much more. I'm gonna whip up a batch of my tonic and try to sell it to our drug rehab in Oklahoma."

Jed: "Well, that should cure what ails them. Besides, Okies will buy anything. The church is sure expandin' there. Where's ElRonny Mae?"

Granny: "Oh, she's takin' care of all them critters in the kennels."

Jed: "What, the dawgs?"

Granny: "No, Jed, the RPF!. Say, is that Mr. Drysdale coming up the drive?"

Car draws up and Mr Drysdale gets out of it.

Mr. Drysdale: "Hi Mr. CLAMpet -- oops, sorry, Mr. ElRon. How do you do, Granny. A mighty fine day today."

Granny: "It sure is. Say, would you like to stay to dinner? It's my special beans and rice?"

Mr. Drysdale: "No Granny, I've already eaten at RTC. A little caviar, some champaigne, lobster.. just scraps really. It's a shame that I'm not here more often, eating your delicious beans and rice. Still, beggars can't be choosers."

Jed: "What is it that I can do for you Mr. Drysdale?"

Mr. Drysdale: "Oh, I just want you to sign some papers, transferring ownership of all your intellectual property over to RTC, for which we will deposit $1 zillion dollars a week into your Swiss bank account. Also, sign this will that will take care of your family after you die."

Jed: "But it says 'Make all monies payable to P. OodleBoy Inc.' What's that?"

Mr. Drysdale: Oh, that's just a trust corporation set up to save you paying any death duties. Believe me, this is the best way to protect your empire"

Jed: "Wheee dawgie!"

-- peter@petermc.demon.co.uk cool as fuck!

"Have you ever been a dishonest policeman?" "Have you ever been a pimp?" "Would you like a job that pays $700,000 a year?"