F.T.S. of L. Ron Hubbard Series 1 - INTERNET REPAIR LIST

Distribution: All Churchies All Squirrels All Prenatal Sea Org Fetuses

SQUIRREL COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE BULLETIN F.T.S. of L. Ron Hubbard Series 1 INTERNET REPAIR LIST

Have the person on the E-Meter. Use cans from last nights baked beans and rice dinner. Scream the questions at him/her to ensure good reads. (Poking him/her with a stick also helps) If any question reads, do the handling that follows. Keep your pack of Kools available. Continue until person achieves state of OT, Occular Transparency. Person is complete when they originate, "I see Nothing".

NOTE: If person is old, feeble, unable to defend themselves or is trusting, send him/her to Eugene Ingram for further processing.

HAVE YOU LOGGED INTO THE INTERNET? (If yes, Send person to INCOMM ( Scientology Computer Center). If he/she knows enough to do this they are smarter than any of our own computer staff)

HAVE YOU USED AN UN-APPROVED PROVIDER? (if yes, find out which one, send OSA team to destroy provider)

HAVE YOU EVER READ OR POSTED TO ALT.RELIGION.SCIENTOLOGY? (flog him/her mercilessly, then, write report to OSA and have OSA goon forge an "I'm outta here" message to ARS)

HAVE YOU EVER RECEIVED PACKETS FROM ANYWHERE OTHER THAN CLAM.NET (FORMERLY EARTHLINK.NET)? (if yes, confiscate this person's modem and computer. Have person sign special consent form which relinquishes all legal rights for this person and their descendents into perpetuity. Also have him/her sign previous life waver in case Universe repeats itself after 50 or so billion years)

HAVE YOU EVER USED FTP OR TELNET IN A MANNER UNBECOMING OF A CLAM? (if yes, give person new "Anti-Squirrel" software which will erase his/her entire hard disk and keep those nasty ideas of freedom from creeping into his/her skull. Skull? Did someone say skull?)

HAVE YOU EVER READ FORBIDDEN BOOKS OR WATCHED FORBIDDEN MOVIES? (if yes, send person to ethics for deeper handling. Give him/her a tube of K-Y jelly from your Sea Org kit to make the "handling" easier)

HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN A CHECK FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT SCIENTOLOGY? (if yes, have person write you a check for entire balance of his/her bank accout)

DO YOU HAVE ANAL BLEEDING? (If yes, send person to project BLOODYRUMP for use in framing. Ensure person has IQ of 20 or below as this is the main qualification for BLOODYRUMP detail)

HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A SQUIRREL(tm)? (if yes, find out which squirrel. Date and locate incident. Give person special squirrel gun(tm) and have him/her run R2-45(tm) on the squirrel. Then have him/her do an End-Of-Cycle(tm) on self per Standard LRH policy)

HAVE YOU BEEN A BAAAAAAAAAD SCIENTOLOGIST? (If yes, do the Flo Barnett Rundown. Have him/her shoot self 3 times in the chest with a shotgun and then proceed with R2-45)

HAVE YOU LOST SOFTWARE? (If yes, have person go down to Qual and retrieve copy of Word Perfect, and/or any other software they need, from the Dennis Erlich Hard Disk archives)

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR? (Indicate that that is normal for a Scientologist and not to worry any more about it. If no glee, Declare the person on the spot by pointing at them per the Standard "Finger Declare")

DO YOU HAVE AN MORE ASSETS WE HAVEN'T LOCATED? (If you get a read here, have person tell you where he is holding out. If he or any of his family have any money send him out to get it. Tell him not to come back unless he has money, and LOTS of it)

HAVE YOU PERVERTED SCIENTOLOGY PRACTICES? (If yes, send person for the worse punishment Scientology has: Sitting in a room listening to 2 hours of L. Ron Hubbard's famous Gold Record Album of the Apollo Stars. Finish off with a merciful application of R2-45)

F.T.S.O. Hubbard Flounder

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