Keptin ! Keptin ! Wessel delurking to starboard !

Kirk : On screen, Mr. Chekov.

(ominous music) (DC-8 materializes on viewscreen. Paint job by Calder.)

Kirk : Marcabs ! Where did they get a lurking device ?

Uhura : Sir, they're hailing us.

Kirk : This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation ARShip Enterprise. Who are you and what do you want ? (viewscreen dissolves to image of male humanoid, fortysomething, yet youthful and dashingly handsome. gasps from female crewmembers on bridge :-) )

Marcab : (soft southern accent) Hi, y'all. (Yes, it's true. We say y'all here in the south of Finland.) You can call me Jake. We've been monitoring your communications for nearly a week now while lurking nearby. We detected a large disturbance in this vicinity some time ago - lots of noise in subspace - so we came to investigate. It seems you are the source. Kirk : What sort of disturbance - what kind of noise ?

Jake : We have determined that your vessel contains sentient beings - some more sentient than others. There seems to be much conflict aboard about something called The Church <spit>tm of Scientology(tm). We could hear y'all 20 parsecs out. Sounds like quite a party.

Kirk : Our mission is to rid the galaxy of The Criminal Cult(tm) called Scientology.

Jake : Where we come from, we have methods of dealing with criminal cults.

Kirk : Oh ?

Jake : We surround their house with tanks, talk to 'em for six weeks, then burn the house down. Kirk : Not our style. We have a more powerful weapon than tanks : (music swells) the _truth_.

Jake : That'll work, too. It just takes so darn long.... Anyhow, we were curious about all the conflict aboard your vessel. You say your mission is to rid the galaxy of this <spit)tm Church, yet we have detected a number of its members among your crew. Who _is_ that Woopy guy ? Don't you ever feed him anything but spam and beans ?

Kirk : Yes, he gets a little rice too. We have something called Free Speech that says we have to let them on board if they want to come. Jake : What if I want to come, too ? What's for dinner ?

Kirk : Clams. Baked, steamed, fried, you name it. Every day.

Jake : My favorite ! Beam me aboard, please. __________________________________________________________________ Jake Kox | There's no feeling any greater Ever notice | Than to shoot first and ask questions later Xenu is Unix | --Wierd Al Yankovic "Trigger Happy" backward, almost?| One man's religion is another man's bellylaugh. | --Robert A. Heinlein __________________________________________________________________

PPS to Saint Dennis - all the luck in the world tomorrow, my friend. The check is in the mail.

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