HISTORIC RULING: panties "a religious artefact", sniffing "religious rite"

Great News!

In a historic ruling today, the US District Court of the District of Columbia declared panties to be a religious artefact, and panty-sniffing a religious rite.

This is a great blow for religious freedom, and a crushing defeat for the US Food and Drugs Administration which has tried for the last eight years to outlaw panty-sniffing, using spurious claims of "danger to public health" and "poor taste" [sic].

This historic judgement, which runs to many pages, describes the religious functions of the panties in the following words:

"The panties play a key part in the religious sniffing process."

The religious status of the panties is sealed by this official declaration:

"The panties may be used or sold or distributed only for use in bona fide religious counseling. No user, purchaser or distributee (other than the Founding Church of the Thrice Fructifying Gusset or an ordained practicing minister of the Church) shall be considered engaged in bona fide religious counseling unless and until such user, purchaser or distributee has filed an affidavit with the Secretary of the Food and Drug Administration stating the basis on which a claim of bona fide religious counseling is made, together with an undertaking to comply with all conditions of the judgement so long as the E-meter is used." Thus providing the basis for a bona fide religious ministry catering for the spiritually needy. Of the history of the Church, the judgement says.

"Sidaway and his fellow panty-sniffers developed the notion of using the panties to aid breathing. Substantial fees were charged for the panties. Such sniffing effectuated cures of many physical and mental illnesses. An individual processed with the aid of the panties was said to read the intended goal of "clear" and...there was reliable scientific proof that once cleared many, indeed most illnesses would automatically be cured. Sniffing was guaranteed to be successful.

"In 1987, when the Government seized the panties involved in the present controversy, it took them from the premises of the Church, confiscating some panties which were actually then being used primarily by ministers of the Church to treat adherents or to train counsellors for subsequent church activity."

Of the Church of the Thrice Fructifying Gusset, the Court said, referring to an earlier Court of Appeals judgement:

"The Court of Appeals has ruled that the evidence at the prior trial and re-introduced at this trial established prima facie that the Founding Church of the Thrice Fructifying Gusset, the principal claimant here, is a bona fide religion and that the panty-sniffing practice of Pantydom and accounts of it are religious doctrine. No evidence to the contrary was offered by the Government on the second trial. Accordingly, claimant must be deemed to have met its burden of establishing First Amendment standing."

"...many illnesses may be cured through E-meter auditing by its trained ministers through an appeal to the spirit or soul of a man."

"This is truly an historic decision for those of the panty-sniffing faith," said Revd Rear Admiral Tony Sidaway, charismatic founder of the Church, a war hero and nuclear physicist, in a pre-prepared press release.

Mr Sidaway was not in Washington for the judgement, having retired from the Church some years ago to form his private naval task force which roams the world performing good works, researching the little-known history of panties, and educating panty-sniffers in the correct use and spiritual benefits of the panties.

The Rear Admiral celebrated the judgement aboard his flagship, the V., connected by VR internet connection with a pair of remote-control panties, his own invention, which relayed the court judgement to him in a series of olfactory and enzmatic waves. After the judgement, the Rear Admiral was said to be "overcome." We can well believe it!

-- Rear Admiral Tony Sidaway Minister: Founding Church of the Thrice Fructifying Gusset. [yeah, it's satire, kids] SUPPORT DENNIS ERLICH, CRITIC SUED BY SCIENTOLOGISTS Checks drawn in foreign currency on foreign banks ARE accepted. Send checks to Electronic Frontier Foundation, 1667 K Street, NW, Suite 801, Washington, DC 20006, USA. MAKE SURE YOU LABEL YOUR CHECK "DENNIS ERLICH DEFENSE FUND". Checks should be made out to Electronic Frontier Foundation. For verification of this info, email ssteele@eff.org (Shari Steele)