Pantification Pulldown

I'm sick and tired of reading all this negative entheta on ARS. Why does nobody ever post about the big WINS that Scientology has been achieving in making the world a better place?

Here is an article from "Slavery" magazine on one of the many ways that Scientology is changing the world for the better.

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Pantification Pulldown: How Knickernone is curing addicts Author: Randy Milne.

It's a proven fact that _millions_ of drug addicts have been cured of this devastating problem at 'Knickernone' by using a totally safe, drug-free technology that was developed by a man with a gargantuan appetite for psychoactive drugs.

This regime, known as the 'Pantification Pulldown' has achieved a 100% cure rate of all those who have completed the programme. It works by substituting the natural enzymes found in worn panties for the chemical of addiction -- something that Ron discovered when he was out at sea and his drug supplies ran out. The only thing that he had about him that could give him any consolation was his nubile 'Commodore's Messengers'. As ElRon tossed and turned, frantic with withdrawal sickness, the answer came to him in a flash. (No pun intended.)

The method of treatment is dependent upon the route of administration rather than the particular substance. So, people whose addiction is to smoking or swallowing have to suck the crotch of the panties. Those who use drugs by inhalation or 'snorting' have to 'sniff' the enzymes out of the fabric. More serious cases will tend to boil up the panties and inject the solution to get relief. This was Ron's own preferred method, and is perfectly safe. Each morning, the Messengers would line up, shuck off their pants and drop them into a huge vat, giggling as the Commodore appraised their newly revealed private parts with the frisky eye of someone newly detoxified. Because of his own gargantuan appetites, Ron needed very high doses, so the whole vat would then be connected to ElRon via a drip. He would also top up his dose with the odd pair of Mary Sue's panties, which would be ingested via inhalation, rather than intravenous injection. His powerful sense of ethics prevented the oft-married Hubbard from sniffing any other female's underwear. Occasionally, the whole procedure would also be supplemented by 'touch assists' from the Messengers.

In a few rare cases, panty enemas or suppositories may be necessary. Ron often had these administered during his many sea voyages. To avoid embarrasment to the messenger who would aid in the administration of these suppositories, Ron had them disguised, so they were shaped into the form of a vibrator/massager. This made administration a little easier.

Film star Kirstie (Back-passage) Alley is the patron of Knickernone, and has generously donated many pairs of her own panties to the programme. She has also worked unstintingly to persuade other stars of TV and cinema to make contributions. Other recent donors have included Chick Corea, Sonny Bono, John Travolta, Michelle Kidman, Tom Cruise, Madonna, and the artist formerly known as Prince. Rumours that the donations of Madonna and Prince were diverted to the CoS head, David Miscavige for his own personal collection have been investigated and proved to be false. Also, allegations that a truck-load of panties donated by ex-Scientologist Larry Wollersheim were returned unexamined, fearing that there might be process servers hiding among the donations were totally without substance.

Recent graduates of the Knickernone programme had this to say about the miraculous cure that they all underwent:

"I used to smoke an eighth of an ounce of crack a day. Thanks to Knickernone, I'm no longer interested in crack -- just the fabric that conceals them."

"I was lucky. I got a pair of Kirstie Alley's cast-offs, and instead of taking a month to complete my detox, I was clean in a week. There's a powerful medicine in those briefs. I believe it's cause Kirstie is an OT8. They tell me that she sometimes exteriorizes and leaves an imprint of herself in her donations."

"I was using for twenty years, so they said I have to go on a maintenance programme. But that isn't so bad. Knickernone has managed to get me a job with the Delphi School, so I should have access to plenty of nice, fresh supplies."

STOP PRESS: Reports of the death of twenty people at one of the California Knickernone facilities were caused by CAN infiltrators who smuggled heroin into the unit. A spokeswoman, Vera Wallace commented, "The claim that these people were subjected to one overwhelmingly powerful pair of panties that stopped their hearts beating is utter rubbish. Anyway, it was all Dierdre Maloy's fault. She stole the laundry money, so I couldn't wash them for a few months. And those goddammed Rice and Beans that we got when our stats went down didn't help either."

Her deputy, Rick Sherwood backed her comments, "The notion of radioactive mutant panties able to kill twenty addicts at a 'stroke' is ridiculous -- a science-fiction story plot. Even a Scientologist wouldn't believe that. These lies are being circulated by a suppressive bigot who can only distort."

(c) Slavery magazine, 1995.

Any Scientologist may quote freely from any part of this article. However, permission to do so is only granted if the Scientologist donates a dollar for each word quoted to the Dennis Erlich Defense Fund.

All non-Scientologists may do anything that the wish with it at no cost whatsoever.

-- peter@petermc.demon.co.uk

Why wait until